week 2 - still running- still alive

I woke up today and mentally fought with myself for the 45 minutes it took to get dressed and to the park for c25k week 2 training.  I have told myself over and over and OVER how I am not able to do this...but then I do.  Elijah came with me and was out front leading the pack the whole time!  He has found something that he will press himself to attain.  It is nice to see :)

I was able to finish and it didn't seem like I had to walk as much as I did last week.  I hope I am getting a little stronger each week.  NOTE TO SELF...do not run on Friday nights when you have to run again Saturday morning.  My feet HURT!!  It has been a good week though.  Maybe I can do this?  I need to walk more, run more, move more.  What a shock!!

A week from today I will be started on the Kinetic:Evolution team.  It still blows my mind I was selected.  I am excited to meet the other ladies, but nervous that I will fail.  I am nervous that I will not be able to do what is expected.  Man, it is interesting just how much I discourage myself before starting something new.  Guess I never thought much about it, but it is ever present; the voice of discouragement and distrust of any situation that could possibly result in failure.  How do you combat that?  How do you silence it and cheer yourself on?  Will I forever need outside intervention to believe in me?  Questions of the day!!

Saw an interesting quote today..."the way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice"  Don't know if it is true for everyone, but for me, it is absolute truth.  My parents were abusive, critical, uncaring, and worst of all...dream killers.  Our passions were not only discouraged, but starved.  We lived to make our parents look good. It was IMPERATIVE that we held up the façade and made the family look perfect to the outside world...but inside, where it counted, all was corrupt and wrong.  We were controlled and used as pawns to hurt others...for which we, not they, felt a tremendous sense of guilt. 

So much baggage...how do I begin to set it down?  Its beginning to be clear that my inner voice that doesn't ever want me to try - and therefore never fail - is a leftover from carrying the façade...but now it is mine.  GROSS!!