Here I am, two weeks in...down to 268 (from 281!) and spending more and more time pondering what I have gotten myself into!  Honestly, it is much more mental than physical...the struggle not to give up.  The voices in my head and from my husband's mouth that say "this is selfish" "you wont finish the course...why start?" but I am pressing through.  How do I turn off those voices...make them useless chatter that I dont care about?

I am seeing more and more of who I am...God is revealing parts that need help.  So much of me is feeling beyond repair...that isn't true, but oh it feels like it is the deepest truth uttered.  How do I open up?  How do I stop considering myself a victim?  How do I take control and tell everyone else to buzz off?  I feel like I live my entire life to please others...that I am not important or worthy of effort.  That I please others to gain attention, affection, worth...I know I do this, subconsciously, consciously...on every level. BUT WHY??  How is it others just HAVE that?

I just got "The Four Agreements" in the mail and am going to start reading it.  It honestly has scared me...something Megan said in our first meeting about chapter two...not allowing others words to affect us...that what they say is THEIR perception...Whoa!  I choked up when she was talking about it!  All my life I have taken others opinions, criticisms, hate and ranting as my failures...that they could see what I could not and were telling me about it.  It has NEVER occurred to me that it wasn't true.  So much mental work to do.

I have felt more needy since this started...more desiring of companionship and a friend.  Maybe to open up and share what is so tangled up inside.  I have always "just dealt with it" - me, by myself.  I dont let people in, for fear they too will condemn and criticize.  It has been easier not to share...but it has also left me nearly 50 and just as stunted as I was as a child.  Maybe I don't know it all...huh...what a concept.

week 2 - still running- still alive

I woke up today and mentally fought with myself for the 45 minutes it took to get dressed and to the park for c25k week 2 training.  I have told myself over and over and OVER how I am not able to do this...but then I do.  Elijah came with me and was out front leading the pack the whole time!  He has found something that he will press himself to attain.  It is nice to see :)

I was able to finish and it didn't seem like I had to walk as much as I did last week.  I hope I am getting a little stronger each week.  NOTE TO SELF...do not run on Friday nights when you have to run again Saturday morning.  My feet HURT!!  It has been a good week though.  Maybe I can do this?  I need to walk more, run more, move more.  What a shock!!

A week from today I will be started on the Kinetic:Evolution team.  It still blows my mind I was selected.  I am excited to meet the other ladies, but nervous that I will fail.  I am nervous that I will not be able to do what is expected.  Man, it is interesting just how much I discourage myself before starting something new.  Guess I never thought much about it, but it is ever present; the voice of discouragement and distrust of any situation that could possibly result in failure.  How do you combat that?  How do you silence it and cheer yourself on?  Will I forever need outside intervention to believe in me?  Questions of the day!!

Saw an interesting quote today..."the way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice"  Don't know if it is true for everyone, but for me, it is absolute truth.  My parents were abusive, critical, uncaring, and worst of all...dream killers.  Our passions were not only discouraged, but starved.  We lived to make our parents look good. It was IMPERATIVE that we held up the façade and made the family look perfect to the outside world...but inside, where it counted, all was corrupt and wrong.  We were controlled and used as pawns to hurt others...for which we, not they, felt a tremendous sense of guilt. 

So much baggage...how do I begin to set it down?  Its beginning to be clear that my inner voice that doesn't ever want me to try - and therefore never fail - is a leftover from carrying the façade...but now it is mine.  GROSS!!

Running again.

Ran my second time...a little different program - 2 minute jog, three minute walk...I did pretty good, but right about halfway, I want to quit...spend the rest of the run talking in my head about why this is a bad idea and it is just fine if I never do it again.  But I finished and walked home.  When do the negative voices stop? It is ridiculous!  Less walking during jogging time, but jogged slower.  I am nervous that I am going to hold everyone up on Saturday.  Ooh, another reason not to go!!  Man am I full of excuses tonight...but then again, I am home - not still out on the road...so I guess despite the mind-whining, I finished.  GO ME!!

Hard day

Busy day...very busy.  I made food, attended a heartbreaking funeral and tried to help the family as much as I could.  It has been exhausting.  I wanted to run, but I guess there are times when other things take precedence.  All in all, I wish Larry hadn't died and I could have run.

I am trying to put a c25k music podcast on my ipod.  So far, it has only been extremely complicated and still not done.  Tomorrow am...that's my goal.

I dont see me like I am

Got weighed and measured today.  It is amazing just how disconnected from my body I have become.  The weight number, the inches around...it all seems like it is someone else.  I don't see myself the way I really am.  I see myself the way I want to perceive me....which is almost always, without fail, incorrect.

I had big goals to get out and run again today, but car repair and a funeral took precedent.  Hey, at least I walked to and from the garage.  Not a long way, but I'm pretty sure a couple months ago, I wouldn't have made that effort. 

In personal training today I worked on the elliptical for 10 minutes straight...and I did it!  Only stopped for a few seconds a few times to catch my breath...way, WAY better than it was even last time we did that!!  I guess I really am getting stronger!  I also joined in the weekly challenge - medicine ball throw.  Its the first day, but I am in second place for the ladies!!  WOOHOO!!  Me??? Can you believe that one??

Tomorrow is another busy day, but I HAVE to find time to run...no way I can let that go!!

Megan...Running?? SHUT UP!!

Yeah, you read that right...I ran...well, jogged somewhat.  But we are going to label it running for now!  Today started a Couch to 5K program.  I have seen the advertisement, but have kept putting it off...there is NO WAY I can run!  I can give you a whole list of reasons (read excuses) why.  I just cant!!  Only fit people do that stuff!!  I didnt really decide I would try until yesterday...but I figured hey...its worth a try, right?  If I die - perfect excuse not to come back.  If I have an asthma attack - they will understand if I dont come back.  If I fall and totally embarrass myself, I will understand if I dont come back.

Guess what?  None of that happened.  I didn't die, I didn't smother to death.  I finished...last, but I finished!!  I am MORE than cool with that!!

A little over 24 hours ago, I learned I won a place in the Kinetic:Evolution team...three LUCKY, LUCKY people who have been given the chance to take a big jump forward in their fitness goals.  When I first saw the gym advertise this, I was hopeful, but you had to write an essay and the more I wrote and tweaked and read over what I had written, the more convinced I became that I wasn't going to win.  I went to hit the button to delete my entry and instead, hit the wrong button and sent it.  OH WELL- not going to win.  Then, a couple weeks later, I get this email back saying I won. 

Reading it, I was completely overwhelmed, then shocked, then thankful, then thrilled, then thankful again...throw in stunned, disbelieving and overjoyed. I couldn't stop smiling!  My faith in myself is nearly non-existent...but God is very sweet to encourage me despite what I think or believe.   

Now, just a day later, the doubt creeps in.  "You can't do this.  What if (enter any number of possibilities)?  What are you thinking? You can't possibly..."  Oh those voices!!  They have been my companions all my life, but I hate them.  The only thing I can do is just keep moving ahead. 10:45 this morning is personal training.  This morning I committed to go to a "Couch to 5K" training tomorrow.  GULP!!  Just keep moving, no matter what - despite what my mind is screaming. 

Had an interesting talk with Beth the other day and it has lingered around in my mind.  We were talking about my other sister Kathie and how our parents would not allow her to follow her dream to go to cosmetology school.  It was too "blue collar"...or my dream to become a pastry chef.  That was too narrow a field of study.  Beth said they were stupid.  In my opinion, it was not stupidity at all...they were dream killers...a much more insidiously harmful way to be.  I have thought about that over and over these past few days as the voices of "you can't" swarm my brain.  All the doubts and self questioning that I do probably stems, in part, from always being discouraged to do what I wanted.  At some point I stopped letting them say it and I just discouraged myself.

This morning I am down to 276.8.  I don't know why I weigh myself.  I cant believe this is going so S-L-O-W!!  I guess I expect it to be dropping 3 or 4 pounds a day?  Anyway, I am down 22 pounds since July 17...when I joined the gym.  The numbers don't tell the whole story though...I am WAY WAY WAY stronger and more energetic than I was when I started!  That is a HUGE change!

So with that revelation in my pocket this week, there sure are a lot of good things happening. Don't give in...Don't give up.  Show up and participate even when my head says "you cant".